How to Make Your “No Yelling” Resolution Stick
A FRIENDLY PSA
If you grew up in the 80’s you likely remember the ominous anti-drug commercial where a seemingly well-meaning dad confronts his teenage son with a cigar box full of drugs. He asks, “Who taught you how to do this stuff?” and his son replies, “I learned it by watching you.” The voiceover comes in: “Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs.”
Now picture this…It’s 2019, a cherubic looking child (mine) sits playing with an Erector Set. The task becomes difficult, “Dammit!” Later that day he drops his homework, “Dammit!” Even later that evening he hears what’s for dinner, “Dammit!” A well-meaning mom (me) asks “Who taught you those words?” and the child replies, “I learned it from you mom.” Here’s where the voiceover comes in: “Parents who yell and swear have children who yell and swear.”
ANGER IS AN ADDICTION
Alright, so my kids aren’t shooting up heroin with their buddies, I’ll consider that a win. But lately I’m noticing the qualities in my children I find the most upsetting, are actually my own worst qualities reflected back at me. When I stop to think about the adults I’m creating, I get swept up in the endless cycle of mom guilt.
Here’s a snazzy visual aide to show you just what I mean.
Year after year (honestly: week after week) I resolve to stop yelling, to lead by example, and to stop the cycle of anger in our house. But year after year (or week after week) I’m right back where I started from; yelling and muttering swears under my breath, spinning wildly down the spiral of guilt and remorse. I am not one who lacks will power – I’ve quit smoking, I’ve done elimination diets, I’ve committed to and stuck with exercise routines for years, so why can’t I just stop yelling? Turns out, anger is an addiction. And, like any addiction, it originates in your limbic system. You know, that part of your brain connected to your fight or flight response, your adrenaline, your most primal and primitive responses. So hand me a cigar box and put me in an 80’s PSA…I’m an addict.
WHAT’S THE SOLUTION?
I’m afraid there is no simple solution. If there was, this wouldn’t be a reoccurring resolution for moms (and dads) everywhere. If you’re identifying with any of what I’m saying, you’re likely already aware that yelling and anger are issues for you. If that’s correct, you can go ahead and check number one off your to do list:
1.Admit you have a problem: Stand up and say it (or just think it in your head), “My name is Jess and I am a yell-aholic.”
2.Know you are not alone: Every time I bring this topic up there is at least one other mom in the room who identifies with me. Often there’s more than one (maybe that says something about the company I keep, but I think the struggle is fairly universal). Many of my mom friends find themselves trapped in the exact same cycle of mom guilt. Talk to your people. Listen to your friends. Be there for one another.
3.Ask for help: Maybe this means discussing openly your insecurities and intentions with your friends and family and asking them to help hold you accountable. Maybe it means seeking professional help like psychotherapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger management. Find what feel right for you and pursue it.
4.Don’t give up: As long as you love your children, this battle is worth fighting. As long as you keep trying to break the cycle, you haven’t given up. Whatever the solution is, it’s not a fast one. Continue resolving to be better, it’s likely you’re improving more than you know. We are, after all, our harshest critics, and there are so many emotions involved in parenting it’s often difficult to think objectively about what is really happening.
SUCCESS IS BORN OF STRUGGLE
Perhaps your kids watching you struggle, watching you constantly recommitting yourself to be better, and not giving up when it gets hard, is what will ultimately make them better. We never did see how that PSA turned out. Maybe that father snapped out of it, ditched the smack and got on the straight and narrow. Chances are he tried, he failed, and then he kept on trying. In the end, that’s all we can do.
Are you struggling with this? What’s working for you? Let us know!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jessica Korzyniewski is a local mom and writer, but in the past 10 years she has also been a wife, a special education teacher, a daycare provider, an advocate, and a fundraising coordinator. She has a passion for writing about life and people who love living it.
To see more of Jessica’s writing, visit her LinkedIn page or email her at [email protected].